


dear simon | damon

by simplybgt



Series: letters duology [2]
Category: Britain's Got Talent RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29014323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplybgt/pseuds/simplybgt
Summary: david walliams writes in a journal, once a month, every month while his husband, simon cowell, battles cancer.this is those letters.
Relationships: Simon Cowell/David Walliams
Series: letters duology [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128479
Kudos: 2





	1. Context and Playlist

david walliams writes in a journal, once a month, every month while his husband, simon cowell, battles cancer.

this is those letters.

**Playlist**

**I.** Airplanes Pt. 2 by **B.o.b +** **Hayley Williams**

 **II.** Wrapped Up in You by **Garth Brooks**

 **III.** Shape of You by **Ed Sheeran**

 **IV.** 'Til it Happens to You by **Lady Gaga**


	2. prologue

**December 25,** **202** 2

The furnace started with the usual bang in the morning as Simon turned up the heat in the house the moment he got out of bed. He slipped back into bed beside me, his husband.

"You need to wake up, David," Simon coaxed, shaking me gently even though I was already awake. I groaned and I rolled onto my back. Simon and I had been spooning for most of the night. "It's Christmas and the kids are going to be in here soon. I'm going to go get my shower."

"Can I join you?" I asked, smirking slightly as I sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

"Yes, you can," Simon replied. He went into the bathroom, stark naked as the day he was born. We had made love the night before with Simon on top for once. He never usually topped, preferring to be on bottom once I could thrust well after being paralyzed. He coughed a couple of times while the shower turned on.

He coughed again as he got into the shower and I went into the bathroom. "You alright, love?" I asked.

"I'm bleeding when I cough, David," Simon replied worriedly. "I think something is wrong with my lungs or throat."

"Is it because you were deepthroating me last night?" I asked suggestively as I got into the shower behind Simon.

"No. It started last night and I saw blood when I coughed after we made love. I think I might have cancer or something else, David because of the blood. Blood when I cough isn't normal."


	3. january

** January 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

Well, we got the news today about why you’ve been coughing up blood since Christmas morning. It’s lung cancer but there’s tumors in your lungs that’s causing you shortness of breath and it’s making you cough blood. I don’t like seeing you like this at all. Now I’m able to know what you were feeling when I was in my coma. Just dread and fear.

But I don’t want our lives turning into this. We have Alfred and Eric to care for and raise and now we have a baby girl, Julia to raise as well. I love the fact that you’re such a good father to our children, Simon, and I would hate to think of what our life would be like if I didn’t survive the car crash or if you die from cancer. I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want to talk about it but you’re scared of what the future might hold for you too, I think.

Luckily you’re going to start treatment next month with a surgery to try to remove the tumors in your lungs. I’m so incredibly scared about what’s going to happen to you, and to us. And then you’ll have chemotherapy to keep the tumors down and get rid of the cancer that is in your system now. I’m going to do the same thing that you had done while I was in the coma, write letters to you. It’ll be my own way of therapy for it but I’ll do it on the fifth of each month and then let you read each letter after I write them.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	4. february

** February 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

Today you had the first surgery to remove one of the two tumors in your lungs. There’s one tumor in each lung and you’re just waking up from surgery. I do like seeing you this groggy right now because it’s rather funny to watch. You’re very affectionate to me with the drug that they had put in you to make you fall asleep and I keep getting kisses on the cheek from you. You will laugh when you read this letter after the aftereffects of your anesthesia wears off. There’s a large scar on your chest and it’s odd seeing your chest completely hairless. I’m so used to seeing all of the hair on your chest whenever we are in bed together, after sex, or when we’re swimming or you’re working out.

You’re very much like a child, Simon and I think that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with you in the first place. And then there’s your badger-like hair which you insist is not badger-like. It is badger-like. Eric and Alfred are very interested in the scar that’s on your body now. Now we both have scars on our chests but mine is on the side of my chest from when I had the lung infection when I was in the coma. I think that you like we both have scars on our chests now because you have always loved my scars since the first time we kissed that I didn’t do as a joke or was in a coma for.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	5. march

** March 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

Today was the first day of your first round of chemotherapy. You had surgery last week to remove the tumor on your other lung and the scar doesn’t look pretty at all, if I’m being honest. It looks as though it’s infected because the wound is starting to seep pus. I’m really hoping that it’s not infected because that means we have to delay your chemotherapy treatment because you’ll have to take antibiotics to fight the infection but you’re not longer coughing blood but you’re weak from the two surgeries and you still have problems breathing. If you have problems breathing, the doctor in charge of your treatment might have you start using an oxygen machine for after treatment if it doesn’t improve. We’ve already got an oxygen machine for you to use at night. I don’t get how you still manage to look so handsome but be so weak. Amanda and Alesha saw how worse you look yesterday and it cheered you up to see the two of them but it shocked them to know that you have lung cancer.

It’s shocked everyone that you have lung cancer but given how much you used to smoke in years past and a year after my car crash, I’m not quite as surprised but I am happy that you had completely stopped smoking by the time of our first anniversary as a couple. I love the fact that you even refused to smoke after one of your fans offered you a cigarette last year after the BGT final.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	6. april

** April 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

You did have an infection so the first round of the chemotherapy drugs had to be pushed back by two weeks. You start the next round of the drugs in two days on the seventh. You’re still playing around with our three children and you love spending time with Julia because she’s starting to babble now. I can’t believe she’s already six months old at all! It seems like yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital after our surrogate gave birth to our daughter. Our family is complete, Simon, and I love our family so much. I’m surprised that you didn’t want a fourth child because only Alfred is biologically my son and I had talked about us finding another surrogate last night and we have a child using my sperm so two of our children are biologically yours and the other two would be biologically mine. I know that you count Alfred as one of your own and it’s amazing to see how much he loves you. He told me that he’s really concerned about you because they just started the tobacco and smoking unit in health class at his school. I explained that you’re getting treatment and that’s why you’re always so sick after you come home from the hospital after chemotherapy.

I didn’t like seeing you feel so awful during your first round of chemotherapy at all, Simon. I knew that you were hurting physically and your stomach was queasy the entire time. I can’t say I can blame you when you tell me that you hate hospitals. You know that I hate them too.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	7. may

**May 5, 2022**

Dear Simon,

Today was the third round of chemotherapy and testing on your lungs. The tumors have come back and you’re coughing blood again whenever you cough. I’m worried that your lung cancer has progressed to a different type than what you had. You’re starting to bald from the chemotherapy drugs and you absolutely hate it. The live finals for BGT are starting soon and you’re completely worried that you’ll have lost all of your hair by then. It does look a little odd to see you balding when you have, I should say had now though, such a full head of hair at your age. Now everytime I run my hand through your hair, hair always comes off of your head. I don’t like it at all, Simon. I was thinking, that when you lose all of your hair, I could shave off mine to support you.

You still look handsome with a half bald head though. Incredibly handsome as the day I first met you. It’s startling to see how much our lives have changed since we first started working with each other in 2012 but I love how much it’s changed. If it wasn’t for the car crash that put me in the wheelchair that I sometimes use, we wouldn’t have started dating because you would have never discovered that you’re bisexual or that you have romantic feelings for me. I’m really hoping that you’re determined just as much as I am to see you survive lung cancer.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	8. june

** June 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

The final was amazing this year. I was distraught over the fact that you couldn’t come to it because you’re back in the hospital because you’re bleeding when you cough again. The final was the same without you though and Amanda, Alesha, Ant, Dec, Stephen, and I could all feel it. It doesn’t feel normal when you’re not there. I know that you were watching it though and you probably laughed at my face when you called in to talk to everyone and say why you weren’t there. I bet you saw the news come out within five minutes of you ending the call that you have lung cancer. The cancer has staged up from a t2 to a t2b. The tumors that were supposed to be shrinking are growing again. They stopped the growth for a month and they started back up again when you went in for a PET scan today. The doctors are going to up your dosage of chemotherapy drugs to get the tumors to stop growing again so they can remove them.

I think that we should try to get you a lung transplant instead and you’ve said that we should look into that option if the cancer becomes worse, which it has. I’m completely worried by not having you at my side and I just looked at the letters you had written me when I was in the coma and you had felt the same way. I don’t like the feeling, not one bit.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	9. july

**July 5, 2022**

Dear Simon,

You seem a little better with the increased chemotherapy drugs and the tumors have stopped growing, at least that’s what the doctors think has happened. I see the grimaces you make whenever you take a deep breath. It’s scary to think that you’re hurting each time you take a deep breath. You’re on oxygen now to help with your breathing and I love the fact that you’re complaining about it making you feel like a ninety year old man because it means you’re still trying to be yourself in the face of adversity. There’s a good side and a bad side to you having cancer. You’re not going to America at all to do AGT which means that you’re spending more time with me and the kids but that’s also the bad side. You can’t do AGT because of your cancer and I know that you hate it. I’m praying and hoping that your tumors won’t grow anymore and that they’ll start shrinking so you don’t reach the deadliest stage of lung cancer, stage four. You’re already at stage 2 but the cancer is in your lymph nodes as well, which is extremely scary to think about. Your lungs don’t seem to want to respond to treatment but the chemotherapy is working because the tumors have stayed the same size for three weeks now.

On the bad side of chemotherapy, you’ve lost all of your badger-like hair. There’s nothing left but smooth skin and I’ve shaved my head in support of you. I might try to convince Eric and Alfred to do it as well for their father.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	10. august

** August 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

It’s official, your lung cancer has progressed to stage three because the tumors grew again. It’s hard to see you in and out of the hospital now. You keep saying you need to plan something for my birthday on the twentieth but you won’t be able to do anything with me because you’ve got another round of chemotherapy. I’ve lost track of how many rounds of chemo you’ve had this year because it’s every two weeks that your body is pumped with toxic drugs to try to fight the cancer that’s slowly taking your life away. It’s amazing to see that you still want to go with me to my physical therapy appointment to work on my strength and walking. I almost don’t need to use the wheelchair anymore, which is fantastic because it’s almost been a year since I started walking again. I always tell you not to come with me, not because I don’t want you to, but because I want you to rest as much as you can even if you’re working five days a week and you’re working from home now.

I love seeing you sleep now because you don’t look like it hurts to breath when you’re asleep and sometimes the boys or Julia cuddle you when you’re asleep. Julia is getting ready to take her first steps soon and I’m really hoping that you won’t be in the hospital when she does. I want you to be able to watch our children growing up.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	11. september

** September 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

The tumors have stayed the same size for a couple of weeks now, which means that they’ll probably grow again and the cancer will end up spreading to other systems of your body and it’s almost guaranteed that you’ll pass away because of battling cancer. I’d hate to think of you dying but it’s almost impossible to banish the thought from my head now. It’s always nagging at me that the next day, I might wake up to find that you’ve passed away in the night because of cancer. That’s why I always tell you ‘I love you’ more than once a day now and I kiss you numerous times during the day.

I can’t believe that you’ve told me that I can cheat on you if I need to fulfill my sexual desires just because you can’t have sex with me anymore. Our sex life is non existent but I don’t care about it and I would never cheat on you, Simon. Not in a million years would I be unfaithful to you because of how much I love you and how much we need each other during this year.

I don’t like how you’re starting to become dependent on me to help you get dressed in the morning because you get short of breath by leaning down to pull on your socks and shoes. Luckily it’s just that that you need help with in the morning. You know how much I seriously love you, Simon.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	12. october

**October 5, 2022**

Dear Simon,

I hate it whenever I write this but the tumors have grown and the doctors aren’t very bright about your prognosis. They think you’re not going to live to see next year. You’re at stage 4 lung cancer now and it’s so scary to see you as weak as you are now, needing oxygen to help you breathe almost 24/7, and now the doctors have me thinking that I’m going to lose you by December, January at the latest. I’m hoping that the cancer hasn’t spread to other systems so it means that you would have a chance at getting a lung replacement instead of chemotherapy drugs pumped into you by I.V. every other week because it means you would be around for longer with a transplant.

I don’t want to have to plan the funeral of my husband, not at all. You haven’t complained about the cancer once since you’ve been diagnosed with it in January and you’ve managed to live ten months with it even though we didn’t catch it early and it’s worsening. I love hearing you complain about being bald though. It is odd to see you hairless on your head but you still have pubic hair and chest hair. Eric finds it funny too but he’s only seen the chest hair. I still get to see you naked every night when you go to bed but it’s not the same as having you breathing heavily in my arms after an amazing session of love making.

I love you, Simon,

love,

David


	13. november

**November 5, 2022**

Dear Simon,

I cannot believe it but you’ve been put onto the lung transplant list and as soon as a healthy pair of lungs are given by a donor that’s passed away, you’re going to be brought to the hospital, put under anesthesia and they’re going to replace your lungs because the tumors are becoming resistant to treatment. We could be done having to watch you battle cancer and you could get stronger again. I’m hoping that a donor donates his or her lungs in time for the Christmas season because it would make the boys so happy about you being healthy as long as your body doesn’t reject the donor lungs. Julia doesn’t understand it but it’s so cute to watch her babble and say dada to you and try to walk on her chubby legs. She’s a year old now and it’s scary to think about that. The year has gone by so quickly because we’ve just been completely focused on your battle against lung cancer.

I love how you’re completely smitten with Julia, not because she was named in tribute of your mother with my mother’s name as her middle name, but because you love to watch her learn and grow as she tries to navigate the world. I love children at this age because they’re still small enough they can fit on your chest so you can cuddle them like when they were newborns but they’re also starting to walk, and play, and learn.

I love you so much, Simon,

love,

David


	14. december

** December 5, 2022 **

Dear Simon,

The lung transplant happened very early this morning, around one in the morning. A teenager had passed away after a drunk driving car crash and had requested that when he died, his organs were to be donated to people who need them. You have the lungs of a seventeen year old boy in you now and I can see how much pain you’re in from the surgery even though you’re just now waking up in the recovery room. Your chest is hairless once again because of the lung transplant and the doctors think that the cancer didn’t spread to any other system of your body so they’re going to have you go through a PET scan later today after you’ve woken up completely and have tried to eat something.

You’re no longer needing help with breathing because of the lung transplant and it’s amazing to see you taking deep breaths without pain as you’re waking up beside me. I’m hoping that the doctors say that you’re in remission now. That’s all I wanted for my birthday, your birthday, and it will most likely happen for Christmas instead, almost to the day of when I brought you to the emergency room when you had been coughing up blood for a day. I’m hoping and praying for there to be no cancer on the PET screen when you go for the scan. I literally cried with happiness while you were in surgery earlier because I knew you would have a much better chance of living, even if the cancer had spread to, for example, your diaphragm because they would have replaced your diaphragm with the donor’s.

I love you so incredibly much, Simon,

love,

David


	15. january

** January 5, 2023 **

Dear Simon,

It’s official, you’re in remission from lung cancer and we’ve just announced it to the public that you had gotten a life saving lung donation and we thanked the boy’s family for allowing him to make that decision because it saved your life as well. I love being able to hear you breathe without any difficulty now and we’ve started to make love again but you’re on the bottom, like usual because we’re trying to be careful about not overexerting you. Your body took to the new lungs really well and now you’re saying that you feel like you’re forty again because you can breathe so well. Your hair is even starting to grow back but we both noticed that it’s not growing back as the salt and pepper it was before but as just grey hair. There’s more lines on your face now because of the stress that your lung cancer had caused for the both of us.

Your doctor has even said that you can go to the auditions for BGT and take your spot back on the panel, provided you drive to the cities instead of flying as it’s only been a month since your lung transplant happened. I love being able to see you naked in my arms after an amazing session of love making in our bed at home and I love how your hair is growing back. You having cancer changed the both of us. It made you aware of how short life is and it made me aware that I love you even more than I thought I did when I first married you two years ago.

I love you so incredibly much, Simon,

love,

David


	16. april

** April 5, 2023 **

I smiled at the sight of Julia cuddled up on Simon's scarred chest. She lay asleep on his chest, her little hands protectively on top of him. Simon smiled and he mouthed that she was deep asleep. I sat down on the bed, waking up our toddler daughter. She sat up on Simon's chest, grinning at her father and I. 

"Did you have a good sleep, baby girl?" Simon asked, carefully sitting up in bed and putting Julia into his lap. She nodded and got up, toddling over on unsteady feet to me.

I picked Julia up, giving her a cuddle. She giggled, saying, "Pappa, Daddy's chest is pwickly."

I looked at Simon's chest. The scars were still visable, even after over four months of healing. They would never fade because they were so large but Simon's chest hair was starting to grow back and more wirey than it had been before he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. 

"It is," I replied. "I get to feel that every night though 'cause daddy likes to sleep naked."

"Why?" Julia asked.

"Because I like it," Simon replied. "Pappa does it too but we get dressed before you and your older brothers can see stuff that they shouldn't see yet. Let's get you to bed though, baby girl."

Julia nodded and she yawned. I took her off of my lap and I brought her into her bedroom, tucking her into bed and saying good night to her. Simon came in, still shirtless, to read her a story before bed.

This was what life had been like before Simon had gotten lung cancer, and we had returned back to it finally. I couldn't believe how much had changed in our household with in a little over a year. I was grateful for everyday that I had with my Simon and for every morning I got to wake up, seeing him naked beside me in bed. I loved him with all of my heart and he did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [] Hey guys! I had to write a bonus chapter to be the official epilouge and here it is. I hope that you guys liked this story because I loved writing it. What did you like about it and what did you like about the epilouge? Bye until the next book!


End file.
